EDICT THIRTY-SIX:
"Jazz"

JAZZ IS GOOD. A little INACCESSIBLE, maybe, but GOOD. Once you've really sat down in the twilight with a pair of HEADPHONES and Charles Mingus' THE BLACK SAINT AND THE SINNER LADY, if you really PAY ATTENTION, you'll never look at music the same way again.

Why does GOOD MUSIC like this get passed over for PABLUM? BEATS ME. Hey, if I were SENSIBLE, would I really want to RULE THE PLANET? Ask DAVID LYNCH.

But I'm a FAIR AND EQUITABLE MAN. Okay, maybe not, but I'm not a TOTAL JERK ALL THE TIME. Okay, I am, but I don't want to get LYNCHED (ask DAVID LYNCH) before my ASCENT TO THE PEARLY THRONE OF JUSTICE, which is what I'll call the COMFY CHAIR I sit on while I RULE STUFF.

So here's the deal. You can still buy your BRITNEY and N*SYNC and AQUA albums, but only as a 50/50 rule whereupon you have to buy a good JAZZ album, too. And you'll have to fill out a quick QUIZ on the jazz album -- including humming a few bars from a track chosen at random -- before you can BUY ANOTHER ONE.

Once everyone's conversant in BILL FRISELL and HAMPTON HAWES, we'll chat about maybe UNLOCKING the CLASSIC ROCK VAULTS and letting you buy some of those MOLDING TRIBUTES TO DECREPITUDE.

Until then, happy listening!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT THIRTY-FIVE:
"The Manual"

Once the SUN SHINES IN on your TINY BRAINS and you make me the LAMBOURGHINI to your collective 1983 RENAULT LeCAR, I'm going to WIPE THE SHELVES CLEAN of all SELF-HELP books. Instead of EIGHTEEN TRICKS OF PRETTY PRODUCTIVE PEONS and THINK WELL, BARF LOTS, EAT MEAT, there will be ONE MANUAL that will be MANDATORY READING in all DAY CARES and ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS.

The title?

"DON'T BE A &?%# FLAKE."

Now that I've WHETTED YOUR APPETITE, here are a few chapter titles:

1. DON'T SAY YOU'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING UNLESS YOU'RE GONNA DO IT.
2. IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING YOU SAID YOU'D DO, APOLOGIZE PROMPTLY, THEN DO IT.
3. BE ON TIME.
4. NO, REALLY. BE ON TIME.
5. RETURN PHONE CALLS AND E-MAIL MESSAGES. BE BRIEF IF YOU HAVE TO BE.
6. IF YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING, FOR PETE'S SAKE DON'T SAY YOU CAN DO IT.
7. RE-READ CHAPTERS ONE THROUGH SIX.

There are FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-FIVE chapters to date, but you GET THE IDEA.

BUCKLE UP, BUTTERCUP. You've got some READING to do. AND YES, THIS WILL BE ON THE TEST.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT THIRTY-FOUR:
"Villages"

Ever watched THE PRISONER? Good show, and a great way for FUTURE EMPERORS to perfect the MCGOOHAN SCOWL. Ideal for despots and CRANKY PEOPLE of all stripes.
The thing that impresses me the most is the VILLAGE, however. Granted, it's an OPPRESSIVE MIND-WASHING ANTI-INDIVIDUALITY ENVIRONMENT, which many would consider "bad," but the VILLAGE has a lot goin' on. A butcher, a baker, natty clothes, cheerful music, lots of live-action chess games and little parasols, beachfront property, and everyone gets a neat badge with an old bicycle on it! Besides, the CONTROLLER of the Village gets to sit in a CHAIR SHAPED LIKE AN EGG! How cool is THAT?
As soon as I am NUMBER TWO and you are all NUMBER SEVENTY-THREE AND UP, you can COUNT ON your life being a little more "VILLAGE." Buy your bread from a baker! Buy your meat from a butcher! No more FAST FOOD and IMPERSONAL FACELESS GROCERY STORES! Smiling, happy communities where EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE and nobody is troubled with FREE THOUGHT.

Did I just say that out loud?

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT THIRTY-THREE:
"Hiatus"

WONDERING where I've BEEN? REST EASY, LITTLE CAMPER. I've been PLOTTING and SCHEMING and SOAKING UP RAYS on a SECRET BEACH RESORT known only to ME. It's BEAUTIFUL here, with WHITE SAND and FRUITY DRINKS. It's GREAT in my SECRET BEACH RESORT, known only to me and my staff of SERVICE FLYING CYBORG MONKEYS.

But GUESS WHAT? When I am MASTER OF THE WORLD, I will still keep my SECRET BEACH RESORT a SECRET. Because I need somewhere to rest my MIGHTY BRAIN and drink FRUITY DRINKS and LAUGH at the MEANDERING ANTICS of you PEONS.

Sorry. I shouldn't RUB IT IN.

No, wait. YES I SHOULD.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.